new mantra

recently it hit me that as parents we may be creating little puppy dogs that perform for treats vs. children who grow up with love as a covering for their lives. kids, like puppies, know what gets praise from their parents, and if they are praised for those specific things, that's what they will do. but that may limit them. they may not be confident enough to go 'outside the box' to do other things, to grow, because the parents' praise is necessary for them to take the next step. so...instead of making life one 'trick' after another, one to be noticed ('look what i can do!) and commended, we should make our praise, our positive comments, more general. this is sort of like "i love you" as a general statement vs. "i love it when you...". 

in the same vein, we should not criticize so generally, but more on a 'per event' basis, so that the child knows what he did to transgress. much the opposite of many parents' styles today.

so...praise generally, criticize specifically. instead of each act getting a nod, the nod goes to the whole day or week as 'man, you kids have been really great today, i really appreciate it, let's go to the park and have a picnic'. and 'tristan, we don't bite/hit/pull hair/scream/throw food/pee on the floor/etc.'

that's the mantra - praise generally, criticize specifically.

when is it ok?

signs meet me on hospital room doors, telling me to wash my hands, avoid going in if i'm sick, don't sneeze or cough on anyone, etc., etc. because of the recent potential H1N1 flu pandemic. so...when is it ok to not wash my hands, to go in sick, to sneeze and/or cough on people? these are things we should do (and that we do, hopefully) every day regardless of the presence or absence of a potentially serious pathogen.

i have seen this scenario played out recently in at least one other area. when the economy crashed, all of a sudden business were cutting back - no more corporate jets or flying everyone to the main office for meetings, instead they teleconference. no more frills and extras. i can't even think of all the things i've seen 'cut back' (i'm not talking about employees losing jobs here), but my point is: why were they doing these wasteful things in the first place? 

it seems that if we can, we will, then when things get tough and we can't, we're surprised. or we're mad. 

ok, now that's off my chest.

recent radical thought

why do we like babies to be fat but adults to be thin? 

why is that it's ok, even preferred, for babies to be distractible, but it's ADHD when it happens when we're older?

you're sensible people...

i get scared when people follow all my advice all the time without question. mind you, i do like it when people take my suggestions/commands, but like everyone, i have been known to be wrong from time to time. 

you're sensible people. if you get advice from me that sounds wacky or doesn't work for you, check it out. ask others, look it up, try some other stuff. maintain a healthy skepticism about any advice, even from me.

that's like handing a machine gun to a serial killer for some parents, as they don't believe even themselves most of the time, asking questions almost to hear themselves talk, but for the vast majority of you, you're sensible people, as far as i know given the information and experience i have at this time, my advice is good and timely, or at least not bad and harmful - though some would argue. just don't consider me the source of all medical knowledge - or i will most definitely disappoint both of us.

the illness formerly known as...

since president obama was criticized by the pork industry over the name of the current influenza media frenzy/pseudo pandemic, it has come to my attention that there is a group that has a gripe with it being called H1N1 flu. 

press release from jim henson productions: sesame street and its sponsors would like to lodge a complaint against the cdc and whoever else decided to call this strain of influenza H1N1 flu. on behalf of the letters H and N, and the number 1, we protest that this nomenclature dishonors these letters and this number and should be changed immediately. why should miss piggy get her way just because she's a swine? big bird hasn't said anything about the 'bird flu'. our recommendation is that it be called 'the illness formerly known as...' and given a symbol - preferably one that doesn't resemble anything of this earth or this universe or any subsidiary thereof, so as to prevent further confusion when it has to be renamed once again.

thank you. 

this protest was brought to you by the letter A, the letter Y,  the letter K, and the letter M - as in Are You Kidding Me?

the ferrari

sometimes parents don't appreciate how good their children are. really. i had some great 2 year olds yesterday, i mean really nice, non-fit-throwing, polite, fun 2 year olds. the parents of these kids didn't see many problems with the behavior of the children but they (i think) failed to grasp the absolute delightfulness of them.

it's kind of like if someone gave you a ferrari for your first car and you'd never had any other car, and you didn't know much about cars. people would comment on your car regularly - 'wow, cool car', etc. but to you it was just a car. it started in the morning when you needed it to and hadn't left you stranded at any time. 

these kids were ferraris. they were exceptional but due to no point of reference to compare with, the parents just took for granted that all kids were like this. didn't everyone have a ferrari? are ferraris cooler than other cars?

maybe you had really wanted a pickup or a suburban and all you see is the lack of space to store stuff. maybe you're scared of driving fast and all this thing seems to do is accelerate.

appreciate your ferraris. recognize them. praise the good stuff generally and generously (you are the coolest kid around! i think you're great! thanks for such a great day/week!) and criticize specifically (i can't allow you to do/say that. we don't hit/bite, etc.). so you're creating an ambience of positivity with this general 'gee, you're super' and in that context you are able to work on the fact that your ferrari doesn't have much trunk space more specifically without losing sight of its 'ferrariness'.

addendum: some days we all think we have a ferrari, or if we told him or her enough good stuff that he or she would become a ferrari. don't lie to your kids to improve their self esteem. just honestly enjoy them, whatever they may be. that is the truest form of love, to love without condition, just because you 'own' this kid you love him, because she's yours you will never not love her. so i guess i'm looking for that balance: of positivity and truth, of appreciation with no conditions - i love you because you're you. this level of contentment is a blessing i wish i could instill/inject/impart into so many parents - it's not what they do or where they go or how well they do - if they are yours, you love them, and i know it, so let them know it, then all the rest, like growing up and being good kids and getting good grades and going to a good school and marrying the right person and having you some grandkids...that's all just icing on the cake.

immune tire change

God does work in mysterious ways. He showed me a couple of things as I was changing my tire in the snow a couple of weeks ago, then He added to it today, again while changing a tire. Different tire, same car, though. This car has had more than its share of flat tires.

The first lesson: think of vitamin/mineral/antioxidant/omega 3/probiotic supplements as tools needed to change a tire - like the jack, the lug wrench, the actual spare - real or donut. If you've been taking in enough supplements or have been getting these items in your regular diet then when you get a flat tire - catch a cold, tummy bug, strep throat - you can change that tire without too much trouble. Your body can fight off that cold with the appropriate weapons at its disposal. However, if you're short on any or all of these things, you may have to call for help in changing that tire. You might even have to get a tow. So, instead of a cold that's zapped by the immune system quickly, it turns into an ear infection or bronchitis, or you get dehydrated from the stomach flu. So...got that? Keep plenty of tools stocked up so when the inevitable occurs you can fight it off like it's no worse than a flat tire.

Lesson #2: the 2nd flat tire in just a few weeks on the same car. Think of the car as the body, the tires as a part of that body. Think of the law of chance. One flat tire is bad luck, a 2nd is either really bad luck or there's a problem with the tires or the car or the road or something. So...the more flat tires the more likely it's not 'just a cold' and may be allergies, or it may be that there is a food intolerance causing the diarrhea, not 'just a stomach flu'. This is one of the ways we, as physicians, can either tell you 'it's just a cold' because lots of kids have come in with the same thing, or can reassure you that kids this age get ear infections every so often and unless they don't get better in a couple of months, the child will 'fix his own flat'. But weird things happen and when we see either a lot of flats in a certain neighborhood we investigate for nails in the road or a vandal slashing tires. If this is the only car that keeps having flats then the problem is probably with the car itself - the child may have an underlying problem that needs to be addressed. 

So, flat tires are common. Most cars come equipped with a kit that has all the things required to change a tire. However, if one has to change the tire quite often, some of the tools may wear out, break, or the spare tire may become damaged. Kids come with a 'kit' that has all the necessary 'tools' to get him or her over the common cold or stomach flu. However, after a few of these 'bugs' the 'tool kit/immune system' gets tired, gets used up, needs repair or replacement. Things like daycare centers, schools, poor diets, lots of siblings - any extra 'nails' around that can puncture a tire often - cause the depletion of the 'tool kit' and require more vigilance on the part of the 'owner' of the 'car' to keep it running well and not requiring visits to the 'mechanic'. 

that's about it, so far.