new analogy

for those of you who know me, you know i think in metaphor. analogies are a way of life for me. so this morning i thought of another one.

i refresh my podcasts daily, it's a ritual. then i sync my phone and my ipod to update them. if any new software is available i find out. if there is a problem, i find that out, too.

if i 'sync' with God on a daily,  allow Him to refresh my spirit, hopefully even minute to minute, but at least regularly at least daily, i stay in touch with Him and what He wants me to do and He reminds me through His word how He wants me to act and what His nature is, so He pretty much 'updates' me and notifies me of problems, etc. 

by studying the bible, reading devotionals, meditating (or is that snoozing?), praying, all these are ways to 'sync' with God. somehow it takes on a different tone than the sanctimonious 'i have my quiet time' or 'i read my bible every morning' that i hear in christian circles so often and brings it down to reality and really more what it is - a relationship. i cannot 'sync' my ipod and iphone with my computer if they are not connected, nor can i sync with God if i'm not connected, or in a relationship, with Him.

just a thought, one of the random ones that roll around in my head!

it's all about me

it really is all about me. no matter how i act or seem, how good or bad, how selfish or selfless, it's still all about me. maybe this is the 'sinful nature' we are born with that is so much a subject of the bible and its writings, the 'old man', the 'flesh'. it makes sense, since that is a broad enough definition to include all the things the new testament writers include as manifestations of this 'old self', all the way from seemingly (now) trivial things like gossip and not respecting parents to murder and really bad stuff everybody knows are wrong to do.

in les miserables, jean valjean, aka monsieur madeleine at this point, faces this issue after javert discovers who he really is. victor hugo's description of valjean's thoughts and torment at this juncture are an excellent description of what happens when one is 'good', at least outwardly and perhaps inwardly as well, but that the 'good' he is and does is really just trying to make up for the bad he was before, to hide who he really is in his heart. when faced with the dilemma, valjean at first considers doing the 'right thing', the selfless thing. that is his first instinct, which i think tells of who he really is, not who he thinks he is, but who he has become. but self preservation takes over and he doesn't do exactly what he first thought to do. he looks for a way to get what we would call a 'win-win' outcome. why? because it really wasn't all about him anymore, not in his heart. his good actions were not just window dressing. sometimes we tell ourselves or other people to 'fake it til you make it', and that's what jean valjean had been doing. and at least for a moment, he had 'made it'. 

it may be like learning a new language. i could speak a little spanish, but i could never 'think' in spanish. apparently, immersion in the language and culture helps this process, and i'm sure the longer you soak the better. so he was soaking in goodness and selflessness long enough for at least his first short slight inclination was to do the unselfish thing. so all those years of soaking produced what? a momentary glimpse of what he 'should' do or be? then conflict between the angel on one shoulder and devil on the other? well, pretty much. 

we tend to idolize heroes who do the right thing the right way the first time, reflexly it seems, so that there is no time between action and reaction, and their reaction is always right. the 'tortured soul' who is left with a choice between doing what is best for him and what is best for his family or his town or his country or his world or whatever is the stuff of many movies, though, and these appeal at a different level. the heroes who are so decisive and always right are usually icons, cutouts in cardboard and characters in comic books, like superman. funny how right now superman has taken a back seat to the more contemplative batman and spiderman whose angst is so palpable and they struggle with the real questions of life in their superhero ways. this is just real life blown up really big so we can look at it closely, dressed up enough to make it fantasy.

i was reminded that it's all about me once again when i had managed to make a decision that i wanted to make despite the objections of others. by gosh, i wanted to do it, it was of no real consequence (it wasn't, at least the act wasn't) and i could do it if i wanted! how very much like a two year old that sounds! maybe we're all just big two year olds with a thin veneer of humanity covering a selfish core? is that it? ouch!

so what's the answer? the current worldview would tell you that this is just the way you are and you should just do what you want and it's ok unless someone else is hurt, and you can't help it and if you want to change you should go to a counselor and maybe get some medicine that will help you live with the two, the angel and the devil, so that you're always so conflicted that you can't carry on a normal life, and if you do enough good stuff a la jean valjean, that the good will outweigh the bad so if there really is a God and a heaven and hell then you're covered and your account will have a positive balance, because the positive balance is what counts and we all know that with enough drugs and the right diet we could be good for long enough to overcome any of the bad stuff we did before and balance out any current bad stuff we're doing and what we're thinking doesn't count because we didn't do it so we can go about doing nice things with selfish motive and look good and people will be impressed and blessed when in reality, deep down, we know we're doing it all because we know it's all about us but we're too proud to realize that our balance is and will be positive only if we let go and let Jesus' balance replace ours but that would mean it's not all about us but it's about Him and then where would we be but in a better place to treat others the way we want to be treated and to be more likely to be forgiving and merciful when people mess up and to look on people as Jesus did, with God's perspective and to realize that just like us, everybody's living life the same way except it's about them and not us in their worlds so it looks different to me but when i look at it that way it really helps get a perspective on things. deep breath.

this idea started with someone very close to me telling me 'you always have to be right' or 'you always have to do what you want' or something to that effect. that person was really teasing, but as my father always said, 'many a truth is said in jest'. there was a backhanded compliment at the end of the 'you're selfish and you think the world revolves around you' slam, when the person said 'but you hide it better than some people'. at least i took it as a compliment! 

how's this for reverse psychology? the only way to be in control is to give up control of yourself to God, so as you 'soak' in Him you become more like Him, as kids become more like their parents over time, and to increase true self esteem you realize how really selfish and sinful you are and that there is nothing you, by yourself, can do to fix that, so you trust Christ to give you His goodness so you can relax, and that's the bottom line for me - to relax in Christ, letting Him fly the plane, knowing that He lived a perfect life and so i don't have to be perfect (i couldn't even if i wanted) and when i get to that point i can much more easily look at other people, acting as selfishly as we all do, and understand with empathy that they are living the same life i am except that unless they have relinquished control and perfection to Christ, their world has a very different look from mine because now mine at least some of the time has Christ as the Center and me sort of revolving around Him instead of me as the center or them at the center and God sort of a cosmic slot machine or magic 8 ball to pull out and see what we can get when we feel like it and i can understand better their anxiety and stress and anger and impatience (and my own, this ain't a 'done deal', this sanctification thing, it's a process, not a magic wand and poof you're now holy and can leave behind selfishness and forget about it and now you're speaking spanish and thinking spanish and your old ways/language never come back under duress or any other situation) because i can remember when i felt the same way (earlier today?!) and how it felt so like in hebrews the writer (don't you like that, we don't know who wrote one of the books of the bible? what's up with that?) says we have a high priest who lived a life like ours with all the temptation yet was perfect - He saw things through our eyes and He knows what we're going through which makes it so cool, well we can be like that (except the perfect part) and see things through His eyes and the eyes of the person freaking out in front of us or on the phone with us because their kid is sick and it's christmas and how could this happen and we're flying tomorrow or there's a wedding/play/test/initiation/class/family reunion/tryout and instead of saying 'relax, you're way too anxious and you need to calm down' we can take the hit, empathize, help in whatever way we can while looking through God's eyes and not necessarily our own and not necessarily enable or be amateur providence or rescue them (one of my favorite sayings is 'a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part' - until i realize i'm the other end of that phrase sometimes when it's about me so i try to be kind!) but listen and let them talk it through and not be another problem in their world at that moment, doing our best to get along with all persons to the extent that it's up to us (heb 12:14, 2tim 2:23+, titus 2:8, 1peter 2:11) and live and act as if we're on the other end of the line or our mom or kid is on the other end of the line and how would we want to be treated in that situation and to know that we act right not just because we're told to but because it's becoming part of our nature to act right and be kind and that with time and prayer and 'soaking' in God we find it an unconscious 'reflex' in us and that at least sometimes, when the veneer is not getting too thin, we resemble our Father. there's no better compliment for me than to be told that i'm at all like my earthly father except if it's that i'm at all like my heavenly Father. and as my kids grow and leave and live their own lives, my hope is that someday they will be proud to hear that they are like their father, because he is like his Father. see, i told you, it's all about me!

anxiety

ok, i'm going lower case for this one, maybe to blunt its powerful commentary on our current worldview and the state of affairs in just about everything in america, but definitely in the area where i 'live', pediatric medicine. and for a deeper spiritual assessment of anxiety, look for my wife's blog on this subject to be added today at feedingthespirit.blogspot.com.

lots of anxiety exists when it comes to taking care of children.

i was sharing in this anxiety until recently, or at least sharing more in it, i can't just drop it completely any easier than you can. but i sure got a different perspective on it after listening to my favorite radio pastor, alistair begg, on november 7, 2008. much of what i'm writing he says in his podcast. no, i'm not putting myself in the place of God, trust me. i'm not qualified and i definitely don't want that job. i'm more in the ballpark with the airline pilot alistair mentions. it is this part that resounded with me so much.

if you are anxious on an airline flight, worried about crashing or the landing gear engaging or the weather or anything, to some extent you are thinking that you could do a better job than the pilot. despite no pilot training, you are at least, and probably/hopefully unconsciously, acting as if you could handle this situation better than the pilot. do you understand this concept? you have 'submitted' to the expertise of that pilot at least implicitly and once again possibly unconsciously. you know that, given the stick or the wheel or whatever they have to fly a plane, you couldn't handle it. sure, there are safeguards, like in the movies where someone comes from seat 23B and saves the day by landing the plane. but that's a movie.

i know the analogy breaks down when i translate it into patients as passengers and doctors as pilots. but hopefully you see the analogy to the degree that it applies.

the patients (i.e., the parents of the patients) often (very respectfully in general) question everything that i'm doing and recommending and have specific guidelines that they want to follow for their child/ren. these are often scenarios where i can easily say 'good luck' with an 'i'm sorry' ready for later when my advice should have been followed. i envy dr. phil his 'how's that working for you?'

i want to let you know that i really and truly share your concerns about your child/ren. and i really and truly do not want to harm your child or have anything i do or recommend turn out badly for you or your child.  there can be times when i'm wrong. i admit it, i've been wrong in the past, i'll be wrong in the future. i don't mind having my judgment questioned at times, and i understand the anxiety created by our current worldview that we are in control of everything and we have to get it all right every time or awful things will happen.

this is the most important piece of information i want you to grasp. you're not in control of things. i'm not in control of things. God is in control of things. regardless of how it looks at times, in the big picture, He's got it covered. we are supposed to rest in that. yes, you have to get up and feed and dress your kids and take care of them and yourself. i have to get up and go to the hospital and the office and give my advice and my prescriptions and you still have to go to the pharmacy and get and give the medicine, but God is in control. sometimes He concerns Himself with the tiny details of things - have you looked at your child lately and wondered how he/she started as a sperm and egg and ended up with ten fingers and ten toes and an attitude? He 'formed that child in your womb' it says in psalms. but as a society, as a world pretty much to one degree or another, we've stopped believing in a God who does all this and takes care of both little and big things, and guess who that leaves to handle everything? us! and that's scary! so i understand from whence the anxiety comes. listen to the world. read the world's opinions on things. but think of yourself as looking from sort of a google earth perspective, looking from a distance, and realize that you aren't in control and then be very grateful that you aren't supposed to be in control. and be very thankful that i'm not in control. i'm constantly looking to God, believe it or not, because i am very aware of my lack of control over things. regardless of what the world's wisdom tries to tell you, man's greatest wisdom is foolishness to God. if you can reset your worldview, and i have to do it daily, and recognize that we're all here because He wants us to be, and we're all doing what He would have us be doing, you will sleep easier tonight. you won't worry so much about sleep position and introducing solid food and bisphenol a and melamine and autism, you'll be more content with the stuff you've got to do, like the mundane 'get up, feed the baby, change the diaper, clean up the spitup, take a shower...repeat'.

in over 20 years of practice i've seen the number of concerns rise exponentially. it's amazing what people can be concerned about. some are given to this mentality from the start, and that's almost understandable, but sad, but many otherwise confident people become overconcerned lunatics where their children are concerned.

to summarize: i see myself as the pilot. i have the training, the expertise, and the skills to do the job for which i've been called, and for which i've been hired by my patients' parents. most have picked me from a very good lineup of possibilities, so that says hopefully that my expertise is appreciated somewhere. i know Who is in the real pilot's seat. He's not my copilot, by the way, i always thought that was a very prideful statement.

i don't begin to think i know everything. as my daughter, who is a first year med student, was told as her year started, 'half of what we teach you will be wrong in the future, we just don't know which half'. i understand that sentiment completely and could state it categorically at each visit. anyone who says or even thinks he/she knows it all at any given moment is seriously deluded and should be avoided. i have opinions, i have experiences that have taught me certain things i hold as truths, sort of like the pilot keeping the plane in the air and landing it safely. i also have areas where i question myself, my thoughts and practices, my feelings about how to accomplish certain goals and whether or not those goals are even important. much like the pilot who could choose more than one route from new york to los angeles, he has flown many of them many times and has picked the one he thinks is best based on his experience and guidelines he must follow. the takeoff and landing he knows will not differ much from airport to airport but the air in between could be clear or choppy or downright turbulent. in my case i 'take off' with many of you each time a new baby comes. 'landing' is way in the future, so we're stuck with all the air in between, and for the most part, as long as we don't crash, it's going to be fine. the time from takeoff to landing will differ, the route taken will differ, the pilot (with trust in a God who is in ultimate control) knows that he's going to get them where they're going in the best shape and in the best time possible. but the passengers must trust the pilot when he says 'sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight'.

melamine

OK, what should we worry about? Is my kid (or am I) making little plastic pellet kidney stones as we speak? Why didn't someone keep this from happening? Why didn't they tell us sooner? 

First, it's likely that some amount of melamine or similar contaminant(s) has been in our food supply for quite a while and we are just now finding out about it. Last year it was cats and dogs, now babies who may suffer. One big lesson - look really hard at things 'made in china'. Sure, there are lots of good things made in china, and we probably couldn't get along in our current society without many of them. Another last year thing that had a 'china connection' (isn't it funny how 'last year' is so 'last year'?) was lead in the paint on toys. That passed, not too many people are asking about that lately. But still, consider whether you want to put something in your mouth if it's made in china. Just a warning. 

Second, related to the previous sentence, this will be 'last year' next year, so don't freak. I'm not envisioning kids peeing plastic pellets out at their parents during diaper changes.

Third, what else is there in our food and environment that's not good for us? Back to a paraphrase of a friend's quote about whether we should be concerned about the plastic in water bottles, etc., "when people aren't eating junk and getting obese and having diabetes and high blood pressure from doing stuff they know isn't good for them, then we can start worrying about the stuff we aren't so sure about...". Good, no great, point.

A story that I've used with my kids from time to time comes to mind as regards things that are present in things we are consuming (eating, watching, listening to, you name it): When her kids were watching movies that had 'just a little bit' of bad language and some sexual innuendo in them, a mom decided to teach them a little lesson. She baked them some brownies, and before they had eaten any she told them that she had put a little extra ingredient in the brownies. When they asked what she had put in, she replied "canine fecal matter" (which I will henceforth refer to as d.s. for those of you with sensitive eyes and I'll let the rest of you figure it out). She said she had put in 'just a little bit of d.s.' and that they wouldn't even notice that it was in there. Then she asked them if they wanted to eat the brownies.  They wouldn't eat any. They said that 'just a little bit' of d.s. spoiled the whole batch. After an appropriate period of time, during which they ranted and raved that she was nuts and they couldn't believe she had put d.s. in the brownies, she asked why 'just a little bit' of d.s. bothered them so much. They continued their protest until she asked if they knew where she had gotten the phrase 'just a little  bit'. When reminded of their use of the phrase regarding their choice of movies, they were forced to admit that 'just a little  bit' of bad can definitely spoil some things, and maybe it would spoil anything, especially once they were made aware of its presence.

OK, sorry, long story, but even 'just a little bit' of dog poop in anything is generally unacceptable. Well, I'll take that back, we've been told there are 'acceptable amounts' of insect parts in some of our meat products for years and we still eat hot dogs, so I'll give you that one. But in today's culture in America, we're all about full disclosure and responsibility so we agonize over shots with mercury in them and bisphenol A in plastic cups and bottles and now we have melamine in baby formula. Thank you, FDA. Or is ignorance bliss? Once informed, we're determined to get rid of whatever we've just discovered is present, and we're also quite inclined to blame everything from autism to global warming on whatever is this year's dog poop.

I guess one response would be to pull all baby formula off the shelves immediately. Hopefully you can see the problem inherent in this solution. We could vilify the makers of the 'tainted' formulas, except it seems that not all of their formula lines had melamine, just some. 

We could switch to 'safe' formulas, and I guess for now this is the best solution. When the next d.s. discovery is made, another group will be taken off (or put on) the list. Interestingly, one formula from each of the 'big 3' makers of formula contained some melamine or its byproducts, so no one was innocent, except maybe the Target and Walmart generic brands made by Wyeth Labs. Man, I wish they'd found some in the Walmart brand! The evil empire. The antichrist. Well, I really don't wish that because I have lots of patients on that formula and recommend it to patients often, so my interests shouldn't be put above the health of those babies.

My overall point is: remember lead paint in toys and bpa in bottles, they're pretty much 'old news'. 'Last year'. You can take it two ways. One, we are a 'what's in front of us is important regardless of its importance' society, so don't forget 'last year' stuff. Or, we are obsessed with our perceived control of everything and are disappointed when it gets proven that there are things beyond our knowledge and control, so don't worry too much and remember how many things have failed to live up to their gloom and doom predictions and have become 'last year's' concerns.

Stay tuned for my (maybe) next blog about how anxiety reveals the absence of humility and how we should 'sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight' rather than trying to fly the plane from 23B. For an audio on this from Alistair Begg on Truth for Life, where I stole these phrases and ideas, go to truthforlife.com or .org, I can't remember which, and go to November 7 "a Biblical approach to anxiety". For the whole deal, go back to the 6th and listen to it all. I'm praying for a kind heart as I write this blog! 

'new' old parenting book

i have always remembered - and taught patients - the parenting lessons taught me by barbara coloroso in 'kids are worth it', but when i was learning these, they were available only as tapes, and they were very good, and very funny, and obviously made a great impression on me and my parenting style and teaching of parenting. so i 'rediscovered' the book version of this book and i was scanning it this morning and wow! it's everything i remember and more. i highly recommend going to amazon or wherever you go and search 'barbara coloroso' and 'kids are worth it' and get it. it's old enough that the shipping is more than the book, but it's very worth it, and will reveal to those of you who are patients of mine where i've stolen a great deal of my material. i'm going to add it to the bibliography of recommended books on my handouts, but i thought i'd share it in this venue first, for those of you blog-savvy moms and dads who check out 'radical thoughts' every once in a while. 

fall colors

Regardless of whether your guy won or lost yesterday, you will be happy to know that the trees are still beautiful this fall, not seeming to really care who the president-elect is or what his stance is on health care and other social issues. So nice to see that at least part of my world doesn't fret about gas prices or wars or the economy or autism and vaccines and plastics and sleep positions and antibiotics and yeast overgrowth or to spank or not to spank - you see that I need something to look at that is not commenting on or asking me about or for something. This year, and I probably will be told that I say this every year, the trees are the most beautiful I can remember. 

Not being a real outdoor person, I still love the fall. It is my favorite season, and it has nothing to do with football. The colors that come from green leaves amaze me every year. Even though the wind pretty much blew away the gorgeous reds of the maples yesterday, I have discovered a new favorite tree for this season. In the windy line to vote yesterday, I was told that this tree is the Chinese pistachio, but I don't know for sure, the guy who told me looked like he spent as much time in his yard as I did this year. Whatever it is, it has replaced the Bradford pear as the "parking lot tree", and I guess I was blind to it until this year.  

Here in Edmond, the most beautiful tree, or at least it's in the top 5, is on an ugly corner by a gas station at 2nd and Coltrane. It is the type of tree I was describing previously, so if anyone knows what it is, let me know. But it is so many colors that I couldn't even describe it adequately. It goes from orange and yellow to red and some leftover green, and pretty much every color in between. 

Just driving on the turnpike is a feast for the eyes right now. I'm impressed that someone was thinking enough to plan the trees along the Kilpatrick, especially at the intersections, especially at I-35 coming from the north.

The wind didn't spoil all the beauty at all, and maybe it even helped get rid of some old stuff that was in the way of new beauty. Even the cloudy/rainy skies this afternoon provided a backlight for some of the most orange/yellow trees that they seemed as if they were on fire but not being consumed a la Moses on the mountain.

So, to end this rambling, I am reminded that whatever happens, happens because the Creator made it happen, whether it be trees or presidents-elect. He's got our best interests in mind, regardless of how it may look at times. I've heard it said that He lets us see the back of the tapestry He is weaving, and I'm pretty pleased with the fall colors He's put in this year's addition to that tapestry.

8 important words for parents

Once again, I stole this material, this time I think it's from Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. An excellent book, worth reading several times. An aside: these guys are Christians and their parenting philosophy is Christian, but they forgot to mention that in their book and just set forth the principles and guess what? Their material is used in the public schools and teachers are trained in this philosophy! In our Godless public schools which by the way both my kids attended and maintained their faith and got an education, but that's another blog.

1) "Good luck"

By the time your child is 3 or 4 years of age, if you've been using this phrase and philosophy from the first birthday, he/she will know that they are getting ready to mess up, or maybe mess up, or take a harder way than necessary, or be uncomfortable. It is a method of 'detachment' as a parent that as an observer of your child you are commenting on something he or she is getting ready to do. As long as the consequence or cost of the poor choice they are making is not illegal, immoral, or life threatening, 'good luck' is a very effective couple of words. You can start anytime, but the earlier the better.

2) "I'm sorry"

You (or at least I) have to watch the tendency toward sarcasm when using this powerful phrase. When your child is hungry, cold, hot, when he has failed a test or been allowed to forget to turn in a project and gets a '0', these words come in very handy. The mental mother in your head is standing there shaking her finger saying "if you had just done what I said, this wouldn't have happened". But don't succumb to her influence. It is far more effective to empathize sincerely and allow the child to come up with the "if I had listened to...". By the time the choices have illegal, immoral, or life threatening consequences, your 'good luck' should bring to mind many 'I'm sorry's' and perhaps a better decision.

3) "Nice try"

Instead of crushing your child's spirit when he throws a fit or makes an argument you can give him credit for the effort and keep the part of him that was passionate about and willing to sacrifice time and effort to get what he wanted. Jesus has a couple of parables with a 'nice try' in them: the parable of the wicked (or shrewd) servant where the guy is getting fired and he knows it and he makes deals with businessmen who owe his boss money so maybe he can get a job when he gets his pink slip. the other is the persistent widow who just pretty much bugs a judge who finally makes a ruling in her favor to get her to quit pestering him. In these cases, the effort is rewarded, and in the case of the widow, the  'nice try' even works. This can be accomplished with your kids in several ways. I've always thought that parents should have a set of flash cards with numbers on them, like 7.5, 9.0, 9,5, etc., to give kids a visual 'score' for their 'effort', whether it's a tantrum or just an argument. Just the acknowledgment that you noticed and appreciated their effort will go far toward changing behavior while maintaining 'spirit' and 'spunk'. I'm not recommending tolerating bad behavior, but I see and hear parents squelch their child's 'fire' when a 'nice try' would have been appropriate. Such a tactic can be hard in the day to day activity of dealing with kids, but it is worth the effort.

4) "Regardless"

This, along with #5, is a "stopper". Use this when you've exhausted all the other tricks, when a 'good luck' won't work. When you have to say 'no'. After you've said 'no', and the argument/tantrum is going, you could give them a 'nice try' but still you have to stay 'no'. That's when 'regardless' comes in handy. "Regardless of the fact that all your friends' parents have bought them cell phones, we are not buying you one."

5) "Nevertheless"

Another "stopper", this word takes into account all the arguments, acknowledges the effort put into changing your mind, and comes close to agreeing that your position is hard to explain or defend. It is maybe a longer and wittier version of "because I said so"."Nevertheless, you are in the 2nd grade and you may not get a tattoo." 

Most parenting scenarios can be handled using these words or variations on this theme. Practice them when your kids are young, and when they are a little older, they will give up and beg you not to say 'nevertheless'!