Wednesday, February 1, 2012

ISL (infant soccer league)

i say if you can't beat em, join em.
i'm proposing an infant soccer league. why make parents wait til their kids can walk to be able to enjoy the joys of team sports?
i'm thinking only crawling infants in one league and new walkers in another. the rules would have to be adjusted, of course. use of hands might be allowed, especially in the crawler league.
i'm sure we'd have to watch for those kids whose parents have 'adjusted' their development in a chemical fashion to enhance their performance, but urine drug screens should be easy...just pick the diaper out of the trash can and test it. and the pubic hair noticed during the diaper change might be a hint.
there would have to be age limits, at least on the top end. a 3 year old toddler? come on. early crawlers could be accepted, but after 18 months (when even i get a little worried if kids can't walk) they would have to go into the toddler league (and the peer pressure would be equivalent to the nonpottytrained 3 year old at the MDO that only accepts kids who are potty a couple of days they will figure it out or be shunned for life by their class/teammates).
you could fit a lot of fields in a small space. i'm thinking indoors, too, because an outdoor league would be subject to the howling winds and freezing temperatures so prevalent on 9 am on saturday mornings at the soccer fields, no matter the time of year.
my friend who is a marketing genius began coming up with ideas for secondary markets: helmets, duh, they're crawling around bashing each other and the ball, talk about a header! a new type of diaper designed for the 'crawling athlete', sleek, light, complete with team insignia/colors. that brings up uniforms. the onesie would be the most sensible, but maybe something with pants with padded knees and feet in them to prevent riding up and ankle exposure.
the ball itself would perhaps have to be redesigned or just use a smaller ball. one with limited motion might make it easier.
as for performance enhancing drugs, i alluded to anabolic steroids above, but perhaps stimulants would be helpful to keep the 'picking the daisies' phenomenon to a minimum. if your baby was focused, he or she could pretty much rule the field when playing with kids whose attention was distracted by bright shiny objects, or the pacifier dropped by a teammate or opponent. that brings up mouthguards...not hard to have since many babies suck pacifiers regularly anyway. but thumbsuckers would be at a distinct disadvantage.

so...forget my usual tirades against team sports before middle school. let's go for infant soccer and throw caution to the wind! 


Stacy and Jason said...

Glad to see back blogging and pointing out the obvious!

Candice said...

Also glad to see you blogging again!!! We have friends with 3 year olds. Most of them have their kids in sports already. Dance, soccer, etc. We are the weird ones. We are opting for swimming lessons only (life skill) and teaching him the soccer and baseball in a fun way (by playing with him). Do you have any patients in Tulsa? We'd love to come back. Is an hour and a half a ridiculous idea for your doc to be away? LOL:).